Proof-Facts

My wife asked me to sign a birthday card for my brother today. The card read as follows:

To a very special guy…

Then on the inside:

Have a great birthday.

I pondered the situation for second. I first considered writing: “And by special we mean retarded.” But that seemed to harsh for a birthday card, and honestly, a bit trite. Then I considered: “And by special we mean gay.” I almost went with this, I really felt like it conveyed the message I was trying to get across to him. However, after another maybe 5 seconds I thought, no, don’t get caught up in this trap of writing things. Just sign your full name and maybe self gloss a good nickname and be done with it. So that’s exactly what I did.

First Middle Last
“self gloss”

The nickname here is crucial. It did take me maybe 2 seconds to think of an appropriate one. “Vagina Dominator” It lets the reader of the card know that you ain’t fucking around. When I’m not signing cards, I’m waist deep in vagina’s, dominating like a real man should. And really, what else could you hope to convey using only 5 words. Especially when you waste 3 of them on your name.

- jbritz
“Vagina Dominator”

Like the title says gnome do rules vaginas hard, and you should check it out. I’ve been looking for sleek desktop themes and tricks for quite some time. Both to make me more efficient and to make me feel like I’m in the future and shit. I want my desktop to make me feel like that if I dreamt up The Matrix that when I woke up I would be depressed at how outdated my dreams are. I’d probably replace the main chick in that movie with a chick who is actually hot too, but thats me and my weird fetish for attractive female leads.

Anyway I installed do at work awhile ago, but failed to fully utilize it. More honestly, I only used it to occasionally launch chrome or whatever. Not exactly a breakthrough of epic proportions. However, the last few days I decided to play some more with refining my desktop and have basically replaced all UI on my desktop with do. I no longer have gnome panels at all. All traditional interface items have been replaced by a conky script and do, together they are my entire desktop interface. Any panel app info I want is displayed by conky, and all other things do is handling. I already used key bindings as much as possible (I use vimium for chrome browsing) so the less desktop clutter the better.

Quick searches will turn up any app, even if you can’t remember it’s name specifically. You can install plugins that allow you do almost anything (Start chats, add items to your google calendar etc.). Maybe I will tire of not being able to see all open apps immediately since there is no panel applet to check, but for now it’s not bothering me at all. This is desktop minimalism at work. I would post a screenshot, but really what’s the point. It’s just a background of Darth Vader. Yes, I’m into technology, I’m into Star Wars, and I slay more vagina than you.

So go over to http://do.davebsd.com/ and check it out, or not, I don’t give a fuck.

This chat conversation happened at my place of work the other day. I present it to you as an example of how to be the most awesome motherfucker in the fucking office. This came about after having my elbows resting on my desk all the time was causing me some discomfort.

• jbritz: i need elbow pads
• coworker: it should always halt on error always
• jbritz: and i should have elbow pads
  elbow on the desk all day is causing bruising
  now i got my jacket helping the situation a bit
  I’M GONNA MAKE IT
• coworker: mark up your elbows to make it look way worse
• jbritz: hahhaha
• coworker: then go to [HR] office, show her your bloody elbows
• jbritz: tell her [boss] attacked me
• coworker: “I NEED ELBOW PADS”
• jbritz: oh, went the other way, yeah
  i should just start wearing like volleyball pads around the office
  then when people say shit
  fake like i’m gonna hit them with my elbows
  then get right in their face
  and real intense be like
• coworker: say you got elbow surgery
• jbritz: MY ELBOWS ARE DANGEROUS
• coworker: act like QA
• jbritz: hahaha
  YOU DON’T WANT TO BE ON THE RECEIVING END OF ONE THESE BAD MAMMAJAMMAS SON
  then go
  YOU WANT TO SEE IT?
  and pull the pad off a bit
  then go
  NOT TOO MUCH
  put it back on
  take off
  this is going up as a proof-facts article later

You implement this plan and everyone in your office will respect and fear you, now and forever.

I made a site and I need some high quality links to point to it so it will get indexed. I’m sure that this is going to do the trick because we are getting hundreds of thousands of visits per century. My other site is sure to get tons of traffic now.

Go find a car for sale from findacar.us. Notice how the URL doesn’t start with www? That’s because I’m smart and lazy and don’t need to type it in for the site to work. In fact, findacar.us ranks a Class B (optimal class) by the site no-www.org and is now immortalized on their site forever.

A thought on turnover rates and what they indicate in a given company.

Lets take a look at the life cycle of an employee:

New employee, works hard to impress.
That is, until they figure out the job, start slacking.
Become liability, get canned.

Ergo,
The higher the turnover rate, the better the company! A higher turnover rate indicates your company has the pulse of it’s employees. Shit canning them when they become less productive.

Q.E.D.