Proof-Facts

A Toilet Seat Disaster is exactly what it sounds like. It is when your toilet seat has encountered a natural, or even unnatural, disaster.

This could possibly be the holy grail of toilet seat disasters. In fact, I just puked a little bit in my mouth.

Most people that I know usually give the toilet seat a wipe down just before taking a seat, regardless of whether you find some sort of substance on the seat or if it is apparently “clean.”

Well what do you do when you find shit smeared on the toilet seat? Yes, you heard that right, human shit smeared on a toilet seat. I hope the first thing you did after reading that was think, “How the hell does shit get smeared into a toilet seat?”, because that is exactly what went through my mind as I encountered this at work the other day.

The next thing that goes through one’s mind is, “Do I wipe this off, I mean it is someone else’s shit?” The answer to that is obviously NO, people get paid low wages to do that for you. I don’t care if you wipe it down then put numerous sanitary seat covers on it, there is still human shit deep in that seat. The only obvious way to get out of this, is to find a new stall and enjoy your, hopefully, shitless toilet seat.

First of all, I have never seen The Lake House. Why you ask, well, the name sucks big monkey balls. I don’t understand how the producers, marketing people, and director didn’t think to change the name.

Let’s look at the facts:

1. Keanu Reeves sends letters through a mailbox into the future/past (i don’t know which, I didn’t see the damn thing).

2. That chick from ‘the net’ sends mail through the mailbox back to Keanu.

3. Somehow they fall in love without ever meeting, but maybe one of them dies or some shit nobody cares about.

4. They both lived in a house by a lake.

Now, out of these plot points which is the most interesting? It ain’t retarded ass people sending mail to themselves (who the fuck does that?). It ain’t two losers in their forties who can’t get a date. So yeah, I think we should go with the time travel aspect of this pile of crap.

I have done extensive statistical analysis (Math Minor) on this and I have determined that if they would have named this movie Time Travel Mailbox instead of The Lake House their profits would have increased at least six fold. Unsuspecting people would have had their interest piqued by the possibilities of Mailbox time travel would have surely been disappointed, but that isn’t the point. Dollar Bills are point. Hollywood needs to let me name movies. Hell they need to let me make movies. Batman 3-Oceans 14 anyone?

There is proof of perpetual motion that has escaped scientists for years. The idea that perpetual motion is fantasy can be disproved with two words:

 Parkinson's Disease.

Think about it, has anyone ever seen someone afflicted by this miracle of science/debilitating disease stop moving. It amazes me how simple facts like these can escape people for so long. I should have been a scientist, I’d be rich by now.

A Poop Terrorist is a danger in any office. Most likely, everyone reading this has seen the wrath that a Poop Terrorist can bring to any restroom. Picture this: You stroll into a stall and look into the toilet only to be assaulted with what you can only imagine a rabid gorilla could accomplish with a week of preparation.

Poop Terrorists feel that it is their right to use twenty times more toilet paper than necessary, and then leave it precariously situated on top of what they just dispensed. Then, they think that the rules don’t apply to them so they FUCKING LEAVE IT IN THE TOILET WITHOUT FLUSHING. These people feel that they are above everyone else, and that everyone should have to see/smell their waste every time they de-clench.

Now we here at proof-facts are not above some toilet humor, however, Poop Terrorists should not be allowed to poop willy-nilly without repercussions. The office some proof-facts contributors work at is currently suffering from a Poop Terrorist and you better believe we are on the case.

Update: We have the identity of the Poop Terrorist and are waiting until it is most advantageous to divulge it.

If you are ever going to be caught do anything perverse or sexual in nature then this is it. Not only is it the best way to be found dead, but after further review, it’s the best way to be found alive.

There is no explanation, nothing to say that can save the situation. “I was just…” There is no end to that sentence that will work for you. You also can’t run any mess about being curious about the texture since you didn’t like the pudding and expect to get anywhere with that, believe me.

It’s not all bad though, being caught with your dick buried up to your balls in a jar of applesauce can certainly carry any boring conversation you get find yourself in. Say some boring prick is droning on, BOOM, you interrupt with “My girlfriend’s sister caught me punishing a jar of applesauce.” The conversation just got a lot more interesting. Living in infamy is better than listening to that prick describe his childhood infatuation with butterflies.