Proof-Facts

After seeing several celebrity deaths in the last few years, some having the body discovered naked, or in an odd position, the topic of what is the best way to be found dead came up. The best way to be found dead is completely naked with your dick in a jar of applesauce.

This revelation would raise all sorts of questions. Why was he fucking the applesauce, and why did it kill him? Was that the first time he fucked the applesauce, or was it common? I would also like to have “I love Applesauce” written in permanent marker across my chest. Another bonus of being found in this position is that even if you are unknown, people will still talk about your passing. Also, it is imperative to have an “I hate applesauce” headband, you know, to create controversy. This also creates the opportunity for a brilliant head stone: He died doing what he loved… applesauce.

With the instant fame your death would bring you should take measures to ensure your final positioning. This outcome can’t really be guaranteed unless you plan to commit suicide. Since most of us have no plans for that, you should plan a will so that if found dead by a friend or relative, they must strip you naked and place your dick in the applesauce themselves, thus claiming a hefty reward. This is as close to a guarantee as can be mustered.

On the surface this seems like an easy decision, and when the facts are examined, it is, the answer is aids. B.O. might be the most damaging thing that can happen to a person, socially and in the work environment.

Lets take a look at a couple of cases, one has B.O. and the other has aids.

The first guy sleeps on newspapers or in the subway when the police don’t run him off. He begs for food, money, and anything else that he thinks might be worth some something. When seen on the street people avoid him like the plague and cover their mouths in horror. He collects cans and digs in the trash for God knows what.

The second guy is a millionaire, is on tv regularly, and oh yeah is part owner of the Los Angeles Lakers. Also, this guy slept with like a thousand chicks, and he can dunk. When seen on the street people flock to him to get autographs, pictures, or just to talk to him. His friends range from famous athletes to actors. Oh yeah, he was recently in a Superbowl commercial as well.

Who would you rather be? That’s right, the second guy. Guess what? Yeah, he’s the one with aids. So there you have it, aids is more desirable than B.O.

This movie would be awesome. You get the guys from Ocean’s 13 and they get together to do their next job. As it turns out they are looking to rob some famous art/vase/crap no one cares about from some random millionaire who happens to be Bruce Wayne. So they go through all the planning and make their witty remarks the whole way.

Next they break in and are prowling around the house when BOOM! Batman comes in and FUCKS THEM UP! I don’t even care that Danny Ocean used to be Batman and that fact should tip him off about robbing Bruce Wayne. He forgot about it due to amnesia he has because he got hypnotized to forget having sex with HorseMouth or he contracted it while making out with Jason Bourne (you can get it that way, just like parkinsons). Plus you have a sweet fight scene when Batman fights Tyler Durden.

BOOM, you got about $500 million worth of profits on your hands.

Most people are no longer afraid of flying. Most people are idiots. It is widely believed that flying is safe, this is a lie. People will tell you that statistically speaking, the chances of the plane you are on crashing are minuscule. Well these people are retarded, and using some kind of statistical analysis created by apes, and not those apes that speak sign language, these apes have a learning disability.

You see, this is how it breaks down. Before the plane takes off, the chances of a plane crash are very small, and after you land, the chances of a plane crash happening are also very small. However, from the time the plane you are on gets on the runway until the time you get off the plane the chances of a crash are 50%.

You see the only two possibilities are:

1. Landing safely
2. Plane crash

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Julia Roberts has way too many teeth. A regular person has 32 teeth while HorseMouth has around 647 teeth. All of which are twice the size of regular people teeth. Also, HorseMouth thinks it’s attractive to completely open her mouth and display all 647 teeth when she thinks something is funny. She is wrong.

The interesting fact about HorseMouth is that the FBI only allows her to brush her teeth once a day because if she brushed twice a day like most people do the rest of America would not have toothpaste. As it stands now she uses so much toothpaste that tiny starving kids in Africa can’t brush their teeth at night, and that’s the only food those kids get. So basically HorseMouth is responsible for all the starving kids in Africa. It’s science.

As you can tell, Roberts was clearly sired by a horse.